Scotsman Jokes

An Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman go to the bar together, and each orders a Guinness stout. As they're preparing to take a drink, each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman hands the beer over to the bartender and says "I'd like a new beer, chap." The American flicks the fly out of his glass and proceeds to drink the beer. The Scotsman grabs the fly by a leg, and shakes it over the beer, shouting "Spit it oot, ya wee bastard, spit it oot!"

...

Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts "Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow dung.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."