Why did the chicken cross the road in 2008?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra#@&&^(C%..........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

CHUCK NORRIS: I told the chicken to cross the road. Period.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

The Guild - Episode 10: Boss Fight

Season finale: The Guild tries to take down the scariest boss of all time, Zaboo's mom!

Pic of the Week 20080522

Been awhile since I've posted, I meant to catch up on the past weekend's events. Crazy busy though. Just to tide you over, here's how to pay your next Verizon bill:

Washington, DC - Welcome to our Nation's Capital

Read and drive at your own risk!

For those who plan to visit our area...

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or "the District" - only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Bonus Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington - it's Prince Georges County. Otherwise they'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Frederick County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.

If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. In Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well, just don't.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand - but not for long now!)

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. Second most would be driving Route 4 in rush hour.

There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.

Pic of the Week 20080502

The Guild - Episode 9: Owning Bladezz

Six Ways to Win The Iraq War Debate

(OK, so I've been trying to stay off the political commentaries on my blog. Really, take a look back, I've been biting my tongue so hard it has holes in it. Today, I just have to let this one slip in...)

Posted by Lee Camp at 6:39 AM on April 11, 2008 on AlterNet.

Recently I was arguing with one of my dumber friends about the Iraq war. He loves Bush, and thinks bigger bombs is the answer in Iraq. I wasn't gaining any ground in the argument until I used a simple analogy. I said, "Your solution is like shattering an expensive vase and then saying, 'We need to keep smashing it until it's fixed.'" I stumped him. He was silent. So here's a brief list of other analogies you can use on your dumb friends. And the truth is, I've seen similar ones work on some of the smartest political pundits.

1) The country of Iraq has essentially been demolished. The right-wingers keep saying the answer is continued large-scale military action. That's like if someone got into a car accident, went into a coma, and the doctors believed the patient could be healed by more car accidents. So they just keep putting him into cars and sending him off cliffs.

2) I've heard people say that being against Bush or Petraeus or the war in Iraq is equivalent to being against the troops. That's like if I knew someone who repeatedly sent brave puppies out into traffic. I called that person an asshole for abusing the puppies and abusing their power. Then you accused me of being anti-puppy.

3) The administration talks about the success of the surge because violence has decreased, but we're in fact paying the militias not to kill each other or our soldiers. It's like if you were treading water, two sharks approach and begin biting you, you give each one a small piece of fish to distract them. While they take a moment to eat the fish, you sit there treading water and yelling, "Problem solved!"

4) At the Petraeus hearings, he refused to give any sort of definition for "victory" in Iraq. That's like running a foot race, you've gone 30 miles, you're exhausted, and when you ask your coach driving along next to you how much farther, he just keeps saying "You'll know it when you get there." He keeps saying that until you collapse and die.

5) KBR, Halliburton, Blackwater and other companies have huge pull in our government (such as the vice presidency). So essentially they decide when the war is over. They also happen to be making millions upon millions of dollars from the war. So asking them to decide when the war is over, is like asking an ugly guy cast in a threesome porn movie to decide when the scene is over. Chances are the scene would go on for months, if not years. The entire crew would be standing around asking, "It's not over yet? When will we know when it's time to end it?" And the ugly guy would respond, "Um, it's a bad idea to set timetables. Just trust me on this."

6) Lastly, President Bush is like a colorblind child with a Rubik's Cube.

Lee Camp is a comedian and writer in NYC. He tours clubs and colleges across the country, writes for Huffington Post and 236.com, and does comedic commentary for various television shows (but no longer Fox News).

How to handle the jerk next to you on an airplane

Courtesy of my buddy Mike in Texas.

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, join your palms together, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
6. Then hit this link

When it's over, quietly curse at the computer, hit it a few times, and then throw your hands up in resignation and put it away again (make sure your browser cache and history clears itself when it exits). Pretend nothing happened.

Pic of the Week 20080331

I was just thinking how I'd not updated a pic of the week lately, and then this little nugget fell onto my browser.


This test on international politics taken by Dubya shows a somewhat less than satisfactory result.

Uncyclopedic Knowledge

Care for a trip down what would be an excellent waste of time? Go peruse the Uncyclopedia - an obvious spoof on the web-staple Wikipedia, but in this case without any redeeming nuggets of truth whatsoever. Uncyclopedia's stated goal is to "provide the world's misinformation in the least redeeming and most searingly sarcastic and humorous way possible, through satire". Pure comedic genius. Don't take my word for it, here's a few to start you off:

• Satan Claus
• George W. Bush
• No Child Left Behind

"I have never seen a plan designed so ingeniously to fail so completely"
~ Oscar Wilde on No Child Left Behind

Note: Not for the comedically challenged. You've been warned.

The Guild-Episode 7: Home Invasion is up!

The Old Man and the Guard

On a sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said 'See you tomorrow, sir'

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO

(This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. Humorous spin on an old joke.)

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women -- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Walmart

Episode #6 of The Guild: Total Wipe

Missed this somehow. I thought I was on a notification list via YouTube... ah well, better late than never. Episode #6 of The Guild: Total Wipe.

Pic of the Week 20080128

OK, just had to toss this in, courtesy of my lovely wife. This regards a new government health warning not to swallow your chewing gum:

See what happens?

Pic of the Week 20080118

Here be the car of the future. Nice windshield, eh?

Pic of the Week 2008.01.10

Just so you understand the irony here. The only reason the sign exists, is to warn that you may bump your head on the sign.

On Leave ( Funny Video )

Awesome video. I don't think it's on YouTube so you'll have to follow the link to FunZu.com to watch - but definitely do so.

8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Geeks

As any nerd can tell you, being smarter than everyone else has a price. Poor social skills, being grossly over or under weight, being terrible at sports. Skin problems, probably bad eyesight ... you get the idea. Yet, there is a whole class of nerds who break that universal rule, who somehow wind up smarter than us... yet also, are so good at kicking ass or being hot that they've got legions of adoring fans. Browse on over to cracked.com for the full article, it's definitely worth the read. For the curious, here's the rundown (some of these I knew were geeks, others I had no idea - Dolph??? Are you serious???):

#8. Natalie Portman
#7. The Offspring lead singer Dexter Holland
#5 & 6. Underworld's Kate Beckinsale and Kevin Grevioux
#4. Vin Diesel
#3. Porn star Asia Carrera
#2. Queen guitarist Brian May
#1. Dolph Lundgren

Most memorable line, after describing the academic heights that Brian May achieved:

Then, he was appointed Chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University, meaning we now have a man who can look upon both Albert Einstein and Eddie Van Halen and ask why they didn't get more done.

I roflmao'd.

Pic of the Week 20080102

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(Click on the pic below for the full-size, it's worth it...)